#OWS

So many of us are missing the boat on the whole “Occupy Wall Street” movement. We keep up with what’s going on with the NBA lockout, who won the World Series, who won the football pool, what Facebook will change this week; anything but what is going on all over the country. Pay attention: There's a huge void between the rich and the poor in this country. We have a deeply flawed economic system and the income inequality in this country is out of this world. Why? Because for years, politicians have implemented policies that favor banks, big business, and powerful unions at the expense of the diminishing middle class; policies that have allowed Wall St. to crash our economy. There was a time when mainly minorities felt the pinch but now it’s really affecting mainstream America. Needless to say, people are pissed the hell off!

Awareness! Awareness! Awareness!

During an October 6 news conference, President Obama said "I think it expresses the frustrations the American people feel, that we had the biggest financial crisis since the Great Depression, huge collateral damage all throughout the country ... and yet you're still seeing some of the same folks who acted irresponsibly trying to fight efforts to crack down on the abusive practices that got us into this in the first place."When Jake Tapper of ABC News pushed Obama to explain the fact that his administration hasn't prosecuted any Wall Street executives who didn't play by the rules, he replied, "One of the biggest problems about the collapse of Lehman's and the subsequent financial crisis and the whole subprime lending fiasco is that a lot of that stuff wasn't necessarily illegal; it was just immoral or inappropriate or reckless."
So, OWS is a movement. All about education and awareness. About being tired of being kicked around by folks with no concept of teamwork and family, tired of greed, government corruption, unemployment, unfair banking practices, and wealth disparity. Tired of Wall St. bankers, business CEOs and politicians getting richer while the rest of us get poorer! Ask yourself why your 74 year old mother is unable to retire AND EAT, why so many young people graduating COLLEGE are unable to secure a job, why so many houses are foreclosed on and lay empty in so many neighborhoods but why the bankers, corporation leaders and politicians aren’t suffering. Why the cost of everything keeps rising, rising, rising, but your paycheck isn’t keeping up with the inflation. And when you hear people complaining about or disapproving of the movement, wonder about their ties to Wall St. or big business.

Tell you what. If Bank of America customers all begin moving their money to other banks, the bank will reconsider those damn monthly debit card fees. Just like almost every other financial entitiy in existence, they make their money on the little people; on the backs of the 99% of Americans who are not millionaires. They use your deposits to make money for the bank and now want you to pay them to use your own money. WHAT?!? Take your damn money out of that bank and go somewhere where your loan is appreciated. Let them know that you mean business.

Enough is ENOUGH!!

 

Peace- Two fingers. One love.

The Incident

In my writing, you will continually see me refer to “The Incident.” Because of its importance in the story of our lives, I try to make sure that every woman, man, girl and boy understands the significance of it. “The Incident” is so titled because it is an event. It was or will be the thing that happened or will happen at some point in your life that FINALLY makes you examine how and/or why you’re living. Usually it is something traumatic or dramatic, coming in the form of things like a broken heart, a life threatening medical diagnosis, a car accident, an anxiety attack, job loss, a financial crisis, suddenly finding yourself homeless or on the brink, realizing that you don’t have any real friends or even death (obviously not your own). It doesn’t have to happen to you; it could very well be something that happens to someone close to you that gives you your wake up call. Usually it is painful; very- extremely- especially- painful. Sometimes “The Incident” presents itself as an Aha Moment, and you immediately learn something from it. Sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks and slams you awake. It can also be very subtle but frustrate you enough to make you pay attention. Always, it is a game changer.

I’ll give you an example. In 1997, on my son’s 3^rd birthday, my father died. My dad and I were very close and I took his passing very hard. The normal sympathies and the “He’s gone on to a better place” words of comfort didn’t help one bit. Through the gloom though, my dad’s death made me appreciate how significant the journey is. I immediately understood that my life would never be the same, but more important than what I learned from my dad’s death is the real point of “The Incident.” It made me begin to ask the hard questions. Questions that for me were like, “What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose here? What about God and religion?” Basically, I questioned damn near everything I knew.

As I began to uncover answers to my questions, I literally saw the light bulb click on in my brain. There was no more room for ignorance. I read everything about anything that I could get my hands on. I studied many different types of religions and belief systems and I can truly say that as I began to gain better understanding, I learned more about myself and others. Understanding people became less complicated because I could see what was driving them. I felt like Jesus; like God’s “biological” child. Like I could walk on water and heal the sick. My purpose became clear. And honestly, it scared the hell out of me.

These days, my journey is interesting. I am enjoying it immensely. I am in a constant state of rebuilding because there is always a lesson to be learned. I LIVE MY LIFE!! I don’t wait until tomorrow, I pay myself first, and I don’t save the good dishes; every day is a special occasion. I only take assignments that I want to, do what I can for others, love with abandon, drink wine from fancy glasses and prepare the next generation for the future. I LOVE MY LIFE!! When people look to judge or criticize, I laugh to myself. And when they say, “Who do you think you are?” I quickly respond, “Who do I think I am?” And I’m not rude or obnoxious or confrontational. I am probably one of the most down to Earth people you will ever meet. I’m kind and helpful and I’m not patting myself on the back, I’m sharing with you what people tell me. Trust me when I tell you that I wasn’t always this way.

So what I need you to understand is that the answers to the questions you ask in response to “The Incident” are extremely important. The answers will come as you challenge everything you’ve ever heard, learned, or thought about. They will begin to dictate everything else you do. Everything may become suspect and your “God” (whomever that is to you) may be called into question. Very rarely do people initiate change because it’s something that they want to do; because of a dream or an inspiration. What I’d like to see happen for you is that you evaluate your life before “The Incident.” Perhaps then, you can prevent the trauma and/or drama or at the very least, minimize the damage. Stop waiting until you have no choice. Make good things happen by consciously deciding that those are the things you want in your life!

Until next time.

Peace. Two fingers, one love.

 

Technorati Tags: dreams,life,conscious,incident,journey,questions,answers,ignorance,trauma,drama,evaluate,examine

Living Just Enough for the City

Note:

The danger of the hood is not just the danger in the hood. While that is a very large part of it, honestly, it is a large, symptomatic part of it. The gangs, the drugs, the automatic assault weapons, the crack whores and crack babies, the projects, the fear, are all built in triggers that are resultant of the biggest danger of the hood; the hood mentality.

Perhaps I should explain. In true tribute to our greatness, we have changed the word ghetto from its original etymology as a noun describing a dwelling place where a certain people were forced to live into an adjective describing our “blackness.” “Ghetto” has become a culture. Except where it was once a culture we took pride in, like during the Harlem Renaissance where it was “the place to be,” OR a place we needed to escape like the Jim Crow south which sparked black flight and the Civil Rights Movement; now it is a place that we are stuck in, that we don’t give a f*ck in, that we kill each other in, that we ignore our neighbors in, that we sell drugs to our people in, that we call our women hos and b*tches in, that we raise our children as little n*ggas in, that we smoke blacks and crack in, that we don’t go outside in, that we pray when we go for a ride in, that we get struck in drive-bys in, and that we are afraid to live in.

So take a beautiful city like Newark, New Jersey, with a rich history and spectacular landmarks, with a passionate leader, some beautiful neighborhoods and wonderful residents, a world class arena and performing arts center and a productive central business district and failing schools, and high poverty and unemployment, and gang violence and drug trade, and high numbers of dropouts, single parents and incarceration and understand that we have two options. 1) We can start by holding our heads up with pride, learning from our past, reclaiming our children, getting them educated and keeping them out of prison, teaching them to be upstanding American citizens looking forward to a successful future. Or 2) we can sit back and pray for a miracle.

I vote for option 1. I’m not saying it’s not hard, but it is certainly doable. If you’re not of it, you probably don’t understand it.

I hope you hear inside my voice of sorrow
And that it motivates you to make a better tomorrow
This place is cruel no where could be much colder
If we dont change the world will soon be over

Living just enough, just enough for the city. (Stevie Wonder)

Until Next Time.

Peace. Two Fingers, One Love.

Three Whole Months

Three whole months, and not a word from you. Three whole months, and I’m just about through…. (borrowed that from Toni Braxton’s Seven Whole Days)

Wow… Can’t believe that it’s been 3 months almost to the day since my last post. SICK!! But on a good note, I’ve been writing so much lately, it’s been hard to keep up with what I need to do. Obviously, 3 months is an extremely long time to not get to my blog, but numbers don’t lie, so I’m recommitting myself to my the inner city woman. This is just as important as any other thing that I’m writing, so after 3 months, I’m baaaaaaaaaack!!!

Defining Success

Wanting to be successful is an admirable aspiration. Working hard to be successful is commendable. Defining what success is for you is the challenge. The most important thing I think we as women have to start with is getting a strong understanding of success. We’ve been taught other people’s view of success since birth. We learned from our parent’s their view of success. We learned from our teachers their idea of success. We learned from our friends, from our places of worship, from our significant others, etc. what it takes to be successful in their opinions. But the opinion of the one who matters the most is the opinion that we probably haven’t thought to analyze. Ours!
All of our lives, we have been inundated with visions of “Superwomen.” Those remarkable women who keep immaculately clean houses, whose perfect children are always clean and pressed, who always have a nutritious dinner on the table, regardless to whether they work outside the home or not, whose husbands all love them unconditionally and who even have time to be good neighbors. Good luck with that! When they stopped killing us with the Superwoman, they gave us “Average Woman”, who did none of those things and did not apologize for it. She has attitude for days but still manages a husband who loves her unconditionally; even when the kids are missing, dinner is missing and the house is a mess. I’m still praying for the day they give us, (horns please) “Real Woman.” You know, the one like the rest of us who in this recession, works hard every day (doesn’t matter whether at home or outside), fixes some sort of partially nourishing meal, and keeps a relatively clean home (just don’t open the closets). Our kids get dirty but can usually go into their drawers or the dryer and get clean again, and we have significant others who care about us but are as selfish, caring, lazy and helpful as the men we love can be.
The other definition of success we’re swamped with is based on our media view of successful people. They have great jobs paying ridiculous amounts of money, take extravagant vacations, drive exotic cars and have magnificent homes. In an effort to live like them, we extend ourselves beyond our means, racking up debt buying things we can’t yet afford, effectively making it a pretty sure bet that we’ll never get there. Why? Because we lock ourselves into the consumer slave catch-22 where we’ll have to take jobs we don’t want or like but that we NEED in order to pay for those things we bought which makes us kind of depressed so we resort to retail therapy where we buy things we think will make us feel better that we often can’t  afford but that keep us married to those jobs that we don’t want or like but that we NEED in order to pay for those things we bought which makes us kind of depressed so we resort to retail therapy where we buy things we think will make us feel better that we often can’t afford but that keep us married to those jobs that we don’t want or like but that we NEED… I think you get the picture.
This cycle can continue for the rest of our lives OR until we wake up and begin to ask the hard questions. Stuff like, “Seriously? Is this all there is to life?,” “What do I care about?,” “Why am I here?” And we start thinking about the things we REALLY want. Not the outward signs that impress other people, but the true wealth that comes from living your life on your terms; not the way you have to live to survive. The success that brings with it the love and the confidence we need to pursue the things that will bring us true joy and happiness. That bring with it healthy living and good decisions. That bring with it not a desire to please others, but a desire to help others because it’s pleasing for us. For me, that is true success! Going to a job smiling everyday because you love what you do. Having the resources and means to have money in the bank and money in your pocketbook because your hard work is paying off, not because you’re slaving 14 hours a day at some sickening job you hate, or working 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet. When you begin to redefine success for you, you’ll begin to understand the irony in people laying on their death beds wishing they had spent more time with their families, or vacationing, or just being; but the blessing is that you’ll realize it before it is you lying there wishing.
Figuring it out before “The Incident” is big! Next time, we’ll talk about what to do with your discovery.
Peace- two fingers, one love!

Technorati Tags: success,defining,wake up,the incident,superwoman,woman,women,average,real,life

The Inner-City Woman

Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies ( I borrowed that line from Nephew Tommy of the Steve Harvey Morning Show). Many women are living lives filled with drama and conflict and the never-ending feeling that they are missing out on something; that there must be more to life than what they’re living. We usually have to reach emotional bankruptcy or experience trauma or a life-threatening situation before we're willing to analyze what’s going on. (Humans are very reactionary people.) This particular post is to celebrate something that I think is so worthy of honor. You!
Ladies, life is all about balance. It is so important to learn how to focus on what’s important while realizing that we actually top that list. Usually, we make sure everyone else is okay and then we take care of ourselves but that is backwards thinking. We have to reverse that thought process if we want to have any hope of living an exciting, fulfilled life. All women are wonderful but the inner-city woman is phenomenal. We deal with so many different circumstances that other people don’t have to. Not many people realize how interesting our journey actually is. That got me to thinking about the struggle of women; especially minority women in the world today and everyday. And like with most things, once you’ve identified a problem, you have to work on a solution, so I pondered ways that we could begin to balance the scales.
What I’ve concluded is this. We can’t wait for “the incident” to occur before we begin to take notice of ourselves; our needs, our desires, our health. We are important every day. We are a priority. We have to begin to personify our gifts; to give life to all the things inside us that make us special but that we often take for granted and/or downplay so as to not stand out. We must take what we have and make it better, stronger, faster and we have to help each other. We have to work together to identify what inspires us; as well as what stands in the way of us living the way we’d really like to live. We have to explore our dreams and learn to deal with adversity. Then we must look at where others went wrong and devise a different path to take. We are going to fail, but then we’ll go back to the drawing board and try it again. We’re gonna build bridges, knock down walls and float on the life raft until we’re ready to fly. We’re gonna do it together, and then we’re going to go back and grab another woman by the hand and do it all over again.
Start thinking about your future. It begins today.
Peace- two fingers, one love!

Just One of Dem Days

Man! I just had one of those days when the Earth shifted on its’ axis and my common sense headed for the window. Thank goodness for prayer and meditation; which kept me from doing something stupid. I’ll admit though, it’s been a long time since I had to focus that hard to gain perspective. People just really know how to push your buttons though, don’t they?

I was just done; people acting up in the news, people acting up in my life. I was sick AND tired and when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I need a mental break. So when I’m having a particularly bad day or feeling a certain way, I tell people, “Today is not your day. It’s not your fault but I really need for you to leave me alone today.” I can’t be any more honest than that. I’ve given them fair warning. I’ve been doing that since I was like 12 years old because I know that on those days, I’m not myself and if you stay out of my way, you can avoid my wrath. I finally got my family to take me seriously, I explained it to my kids as soon as they were old enough to understand, to my partner on the 4th date, and to some of my friends. On those days I’m Kelly (yes I’ve named her) and as my friend Sam used to say “the sick, cynical bitch has entered the building.” He was absolutely right. (Note: I don’t use Kelly as a means to do things I wouldn’t normally do or to pass responsibility for my actions to someone else)

So anyway, back to my day. Nothing really Earth rocking happened but most of the time, nothing really bothers me. It’s a gift really, but I understand human nature and I realize that most people don’t even know why they do the dumb sh*t they do; they just do it. But yesterday was too much. I was just fed up with foolishness, pretty much from the human race (and the dog). My man said some stupid sh*t to me, my daughter was having one of her “me generation” fits, parents were behaving badly, I was getting the runaround about some important business papers I needed to deal with, it occured to me that I have 3 events scheduled for the same Saturday, my married friend is trying to convince me that I need him in my bed, I missed the deadline to pay my vacation deposit, Weiner was still texting pictures of his weenie to people, and that damn dog had wrapped his chain under the porch again. No one big thing, but a string of little things that were quickly adding up to a big one.

So knowing what I know, I paused for a little perspective. Understand this: Everybody has a breaking point, when they’ve taken as much crap as they can withstand and they snap. One of the great objectives of life is to learn to control that level; to never get to your breaking point cause it’s a funny thing about that straw that broke the camels’ back. It wasn’t just that one straw that was heavy enough to break his back but all the straws piled up underneath it. That was just the FINAL STRAW! And then the load was just too heavy for him. When you learn to put things into perspective, you can pretty much avoid reaching your breaking point (or snapping, or having a meltdown, or going crazy, etc.) So when I’m struggling to gain perspective and get back to my natural mental state where “nothing is a problem,” I ask people to back off. I say it really nicely but I really mean it. And some people don’t get it and they say, “What’s wrong with you?” Now I’m sure they mean well, but I try again, “Nothing’s really wrong. I just need to think.” And still they don’t get it, and they go, “You want to talk about it?” And this is adding to my frustration, but I say, “Not right now. I just need a few minutes alone to clear my head. But thank you.” But they don’t believe me damnit. They still think there’s something wrong and they gotta try to fix it. So Kelly goes, “Listen, this ain’t about you. I’m not mad at you. I have other things on my mind. It's just one of dem days. Don't take it personal." And instead of walking away like I’d hoped they would, they keep talking. And talking and talking until Kelly finally says, “Which language do I need to speak for you to understand what I’m saying? I’m having a rough day and I don’t want to take it out on you. Just back the hell off!” And they look at me like I’ve grown another head and walk away with an attitude. I should be the one with the attitude.

And I begin my prayers and meditations. I ask my god to smile at me. I ask the universe to straighten on the axis, I ask myself what’s really important. I ask my god to smile at me. I ask the universe to straighten on the axis, I ask myself what’s really important. As I meditate and pray, answers start to come to me. In the quiet, I can hear the words I need to say to my man in response to that crap he fed me, the actions I need to take to help my daughter with her understanding of the real world, additional ways to deal with parents for their kids’ sakes, who I need to talk to about that important paperwork, and how to find out if it’s really too late for the deposit and if I have to change my vacation where I could go all filter into my head. To my married friend, Kelly says not just no- HELL NO! End of story!! It also comes to me that there is absolutely nothing I can do about Weiner and his weenie and that the dog is a dog and I just gotta deal with it. The only thing I have yet to figure out is how to be in 3 places at the same time and since that’s not gonna happen, I know I have about a week to make a decision about where I’m going to go.

Oh what joy! The Earth is beginning to re-shift into its’ proper place.
My common sense is returning to my brain.
Thank goodness for prayer and meditation (and Kelly); they keep me from doing stupid things.

True Story!

Peace- Two fingers, one love!

Technorati Tags: perspective,love,change,weiner,vacation,mental,final straw,prayer,meditation

An MOU with the Community

I’ve been out of the blogging business for the past week because the Inner-City Woman has been dealing with problems that are plaguing inner cities everywhere.
It has finally stopped raining and it has gotten HOT outside. Over the Memorial Day weekend when we are supposed to be honoring and remembering the men and women who have died while serving in the United States Armed Forces, the heat brought with it the things that come with heat in the inner city. An increase in murders and shootings, nakedness, and mountains of ignorance. Last week, in our community, in the shootings of at least 15 people in the city, an off-duty police officer was the victim of a drive-by shooting. As with any killing of a man in blue (and as should be), an all-out manhunt began and one suspect was almost immediately apprehended. The other is still on the loose but I’m pretty sure they will catch him. There were two others wounded in the shooting  and my concern is that had an officer not been killed in the incident, the same gusto with which the suspects were pursued would not have been employed. Unfortunately, only high profile crimes (those that are real newsmakers) get that type of intense activity. But what I’m thinking is that if all shootings (even ones people feel were justified) were pursued with the same vigor, the itchy trigger finger syndrome would slow down. It’s too easy now to get pissed because someone stepped on your new white sneakers or spoke to your girl or even, as reported in this case, slapped your momma- and go “jack” a car and shoot up the joint because the stakes are not high. It doesn’t take much to cross the lines from at-risk youth to drug dealer, to gang member, to killer because there are not enough negative consequences to these actions.
What I propose is a memorandum of understanding (MOU) with the community; an agreement that says let’s work together to make our community livable. The MOU will recognize that everyone has something to offer. I't’ll say, “I’ll help your kid understand math and you can teach yoga at the center,” or “Let’s have a community clean-up and block party and basketball game,” or “If you do the crime, you will do the time.” The police and the community will have to address every issue because anything can become the first step that takes a person from a shooter on the basketball court to a shooter on a street corner. Whether it be the neighbor’s child or our child, we have to stand up for peace and justice. We have to go after every criminal, we can’t turn a blind eye at ANY foolishness. We have to keep our kids in school; keep them engaged in positive and interesting activity at all times. We have to stop looking at engaging them coming home from prison and work on the things that will keep them from going to prison. We need a networking system for parents, where they don’t just get food coupons and help with a heating bill, but real life skills so they can get a job with a real living wage; where they can get parenting skills that helps them prepare their children for success now and in the future. And we have to get some real training for these young people so they can compete for a real future. We have to have a positive message for our young people that doesn’t come from someone who only knows how to get money in the streets or have markings on his face labeling him as a killer (I don’t give a damn how much money he has). Let’s get it going in Newark and all over. It’ll be like the Declaration of our Independence and like John Hancock, I’ll have the first, largest, and most famous signature!

Peace- two fingers, one love!

Attitude and Actions

In life, I’ve found that there are only 2 things we have any real control over; our attitude and our actions. The other stuff is the things that happen in the course of a life. Thing is, those things that happen result from our actions and attitudes about the things that happened before it. Sounds a bit confusing I know, but it really isn’t. I’ll give you a few examples. Say you overslept this morning. Damn it! You immediately jump up pissed off because you woke up late. You rush around like a banshee, forgoing a hot shower and even pass on your morning coffee because you don’t want to hear your supervisor’s ‘damn’ mouth and you know the traffic’s gonna be backed up. You jump in the car, blowing your horn at any and everybody on the highway who is doing anything remotely close to the speed limit and give the finger to the dude who is slowing down in the fast lane. You swing around him just in time for the realization to hit that he was slowing down because a trooper was sitting in the cut and now you have a nice, fat speeding ticket. You finally get to work, exasperated, almost an hour late, and have to listen to your supervisor’s ‘damn’ mouth anyway because “you didn’t even have the decency to call and say you were going to be late.” Here begins the day from hell! Sheesh!!

REWIND- Let’s try it again. You overslept this morning. You already know you’re going to be late because the 7:30 traffic is much heavier than the 7:00 traffic and there’s no getting around that. You call into the office letting your supervisor know you’re going to be half an hour or so late and that you’ll call if anything changes. You jump in the shower then pour a cup of coffee into your travel mug. You knew the traffic would be bad so you relax and turn on the radio for your drive to work; nothing ranting and raving will do about the traffic anyways! You get to the job exactly 35 minutes late, having had your coffee, and laughed at the morning radio show- those guys are hilarious, stop by the supervisor’s office, letting her know you’re in and head off to handle whatever comes your way today. Much better right. Same scenario, different results! These are the things that we decide, and based on the decisions that we make, we determine what happens next.

I’ll share with you a secret- sh** happens! It’s not just you and it’s not personal. Everybody has problems. Best we can do is wake up everyday with the thought that life is gonna throw us some curves and we gotta deal with them. On any given day when everything is going fine and it’s not spectacular, but nothing bad has happened, the average person does not sit around wondering where the problems are. “Why am I not having problems today? Where is my speeding ticket? or Why didn’t I miss the bus?” Doesn’t happen right? But as soon as we break a heel or lose a 10 spot, the world is out to get us and we are just magnets for bad luck. Get a grip! Having a good attitude leads to being solution oriented. Obviously, more serious problems call for more serious solutions and a greater capacity to cope. (For me, this is where meditation comes in.) There’s a saying that “Life is 10% of what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it.” We take so much for granted in our everyday lives but when we have control over our thoughts and actions, and we learn to cope with the sh** life throws at us; we’ll be just fine.

Get your mind right.

Peace-  two fingers, one love!

Life’s Museum

So this morning I’m talking to myself (out loud), and I’m wondering what it would be like if our lives were displayed in a museum. I began thinking about what fills our days; the people we talk to, the things we do, etc. Then as I was watching an episode of Law & Order, a defense attorney made a statement about how our days add up and what it all means and I thought- that’s it! Now it all comes together… If we had to watch our lives on screen or in pictures, or even worse, put it all on display for others to see, we might choose to make better decisions so that our gallery showing is not met with bad reviews.

For me, as I started to think back to some of the events of my life, some of my fondest memories are of singing and dancing with my siblings, closing the family store late at night with my dad, going to the ball park when all the women in my family played softball, holidays, reading stories to my children when they were young then taking naps with them and going to their sports games and other events as they got older. I also recalled with a smile the vacations I’ve taken (I’ve been fortunate in that department) with my parents, with my children, with my man and by myself. I’ve been to some wonderful places and have been able to really enjoy having been there. But what I also began to see was how much time I wasted on things I did not want to do. How many things there were that I would have liked to say no to but did not because I didn’t want people to think bad of me, the days that I cried before I went to my job because I hated it just that much, the worry, the lean days when money was tight or hell- nonexistent, the relationships for the sake of being in a relationship, the bad sex, the mean “leave me the hell alone” days, and my IDGAF (I don’t give a f***) days. Finally, I looked back on things that had very profound effects on me over which I really had no control like the migraines and PMS, the sacrifices for my family, death (especially my dad’s), racism, sexism and learning my purpose. I must admit, looking back, my good days have outweighed the bad and trust me, there’ve been some baaaaadddd days! But what I must also admit is that my exhibit got hella better once I figured out my purpose in life.

If you could walk through my gallery, you would see my journey. You could begin to see how I got to be the woman that I am; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Now I charge you to walk through your own museum, even if it’s painful. But as you make your way through the exhibits on display, try to find the lesson. I can really only think of 2 things that could happen to us where there is just no rhyme or reason, no excuse, no lesson to be learned. For everything else, a message awaits you. Find it, figure it out, make it make sense. It’ll make your future a whole lot clearer. I promise!

Til next time… Peace- two fingers, one love!

Unlimited Possibilities

With everything we talked about this week, I think I’ll just keep it nice and light today. I’ll just mention a concept called unlimited possibilities.

When we talk to children, we often tell them that they can do anything they want to do; be anything they want to be. And when they are young, they believe us. What I’ve noticed is that when I talk to very young children (like 8 and under) they still want to be things like doctors, lawyers, police officers, engineers, etc. They want to build buildings and put out fires. As they get into those middle school years, third grade-ish and up, their stories begin to change. Already, they’ve realized that the world is not friendly to everyone, so they figure they’d better alter their dreams into something more possible for them. Entertainers and ball players lead the pack because those are the things they see they can do without anybody’s help. If they work hard enough to hone their talents, someone will discover them and make them famous and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. There is a huge disconnect.

Problem is, we tell them they can do or be anything, but then we give them no guidance or training to point them in the right direction. Fast forward 20 plus years and you’ve got, well –US! We were those children many years ago. We had lofty hopes and dreams, altered those dreams to make sense in “our world” and are now wherever we are, doing whatever we are doing to make a living. If we’re really lucky, we don’t ABSOLUTELY HATE what we do, but a lot of times we do. We are working too hard, robbing peter to pay paul, putting up with all kinds of bull from employers, etc. just to have a job. If we are lucky enough to have “a career,” it is usually so far removed from anything we would have chosen to do that, while we’re not miserable, we’re not fulfilled.

So I’ll tell you now like we tell kids, you can still do anything you want to do! Like they say, where there’s a will- there’s a way. It doesn’t matter much where you are today, if you know where you want to be, and commit yourself to getting there, you can make it happen! As we go forward, we’ll talk about making a plan, making good decisions, getting help getting there, etc. but the first thing is to determine what you want to achieve and then believe it can be done. Trust me on this! Talk to you soon.

Til next week… Peace- two fingers, one love!

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One Look Back

I am a very forward thinking person. I have learned (often the hard way) that it is not always helpful to analyze why things are they way they are. It IS important however, to understand mistakes so that we can learn to avoid them in the future. This post is our one chance to look back at where we’ve come from and see why we are where we are. I’ll even allow room for us to assign blame – JUST THIS ONCE! – for BS situations we find ourselves in. Then it is Solution Time; the time where we determine how to get from where we are to where we want to be. Ready? Okay, let’s go!

Everything that we have experienced to this point has made us into the people we are today. We have learned things both consciously and unconsciously. Conscious learning is when someone sets out to make sure we understand the lesson; like when we learned that the stove is hot or how to balance on a bike. Unconscious learning comes from watching people around us and learning how to react to certain situations based on how they reacted. That is like if our parents hated to take medicine, we might also learn to hate to take meds or how since my older sister was allergic to and therefore afraid of cats, it made me afraid of cats and subsequently my daughter is now afraid of cats. No one ever said, “Be afraid of cats,” but that hasn’t stopped the fear from carrying from one generation to the next. If you’ve ever wondered why cycles repeat themselves, that explains it. Kids are mimics. It’s all we know. By the time we are 8 years old, we have already learned nearly 75% of what will shape our actions and reactions as adults. Imagine that- much of what we do today is based on a child’s understanding of things!

Now what happens as a result of that is that we learn good things that keep us safe and make us wise. But what also happens is that we learn a lot of bad habits that often have nothing to do with anything but that keep us stuck as adults. Things like being put down by parents or teachers because we weren’t good in school which creates a fear of failure, witnessing drug/alcohol use or being picked on by other kids (ugly, bad breath, fat, poor, etc. – Kids can be sooo mean). Things like watching our parents duck bill collectors so hello bad credit, bad intimate relationships that makes us question our judgment or teaches us distrust, getting into abusive relationships because our mother followed in her mother’s footsteps and put up with men who beat her, and even OR ESPECIALLY running the rat race – ie. we get up and go to work every day at a job we hate, struggle to pay bills, buy things on credit we can’t afford, and go to bed to get up and do it all again the next day because that’s what our parents did. And it’s not all their fault either. They teach us what they know based on what they learned from their parents, who learned it from their parents, who learned it…(I’m sure you get the picture). Every now and again, you get a person who challenges their upbringing and works against the grain to make other things happen, but unfortunately, that is the exception and not the rule.
As for our formal education, I’m smh (shaking my head). Don’t misunderstand me, I am a strong supporter of and believer in the importance of a good education. I’m smh because while we learn a lot of useful information in school, rarely are we taught subjects that prepare us for real world living. I can’t think of many days I’ve experienced as an adult where it was important for me to know how long the 12 years war lasted or what 2x+7 is if x is 13. Classes like Home Ec, Shop, Drivers Ed and First Aid Health, which have some real world relevance are the first to go in budget cuts. Very few schools teach subjects that are preparation for future living like finance, developing critical thinking skills, household/auto/childcare skills, strategies for success, anything about relationships or communication, or career planning- especially in the watered down inner city school systems.

I know I’ve given you a lot to digest today but what I hope this look back has done is shown you why we make some of the “jacked up” decisions we make. I will tell you though, that once we become adults, it is on us to fix it. Whatever skills, knowledge, opportunities we didn’t get as children is spilled milk and there’s no use crying over it. Where we are right now, with what skills we have or need, and the desires we possess are what’s important.  The onus is on us. Now is the time – this is the place. STAY TUNED!

Til Next Time… Peace- two fingers, one love!

I’m Not Your Superwoman

The idea of the “Superwoman” is one of the few concepts that crosses ALL race, class and economic distinctions. In a survey I conducted with women across the country, the one thing that the vast majority of them had in common no matter where they were born or raised, how much money they had, how old they were, etc. is that they were all expected by their families and by society to “take care of things.” They had all been taught either specifically with words, through actions or most importantly, by watching the other females in their families, that the woman is the one who holds it all together; who sacrifices for the greater good.

Nearly all of them could also finish the following statements with frightening accuracy. And for the most part, they all also admitted that they were already teaching or had taught many of these lessons to their children, suggesting that future generations of women are being conditioned to be Superwomen as well.

Sticks and stones may break my bones {but names will never hurt me} LIE!
Children should be seen {and not heard} What’s fun about that?
Big girls {don’t cry} OMG! No wonder women suffer such high rates of depression.
It's okay to talk to yourself {as long as you don’t answer} Well then what in the hell is the point?
Misery {loves company} Truer words were never spoken.

They also all knew that double standards exist for boys and men. And FYI- The term Superwoman can also be exchanged for “Good Woman.”

As women, we begin to learn at a very early age that we are supposed to be everything to everybody and then if there's anything left, we MAY be able to take time for ourselves. Our teaching and conditioning at every stage of development trains us to put others first and to take care of ourselves last. Now I want you to get a real clear picture of that- when is it that SOMEBODY around you doesn't need anything? Exactly- Never! (Which pretty much means there is no taking care of you.) There is always something to do, someone to help, someone who needs you to do something, etc.

We are even taught that we are better people for sacrificing our needs, wants, and desires to help others. It’s no wonder we rarely do things that please us, and that we feel guilty when we do. And while we’re at it, let me go ahead and point out how as women, we are usually the only ones making those sacrifices and how when we need other people, they are not there for us, have no problem telling us no AND will come right back and ask for our help again.

I can’t begin to tell you how long it took me to get past the Superwoman concept and live my life for me.  With the exception of young children, I don’t owe anybody anything. I’m not mean, I just realize that I MATTER! Understand that I’m not saying to you that we shouldn’t help others. What I’m saying is that we have options. Superwoman is dead! Don’t pass up doing what you enjoy so that others can do what they enjoy. By learning to say no, we begin to teach others responsibility and accountability. Let’s find other ways to get our daily fix of the joy that comes from feeling needed. Do something special for yourself every day. Be a “good woman” to yourself!

Take a listen to the Song of the Week, “I’m Every Woman.” I LOVE this song. Only problem is, the message is detrimental for women. Example- “I ain’t bragging, cause I’m the one. You just ask me, ooh and it shall be done. And don’t bother to compare. I’ve got it!” I listen to it, I jam to it, but I understand that it is pure entertainment.

Til Next Time... Peace - two fingers, one love!

Their Blues Ain't Like Ours

It's been said that when you educate a man, you educate a man but when you educate a woman, you educate a nation. So true, so true. The things men are taught as children are very different from the things women are taught. I'm not just talking about the general crap either like it is women's work to cook, clean and take care of the children. I'm talking about more subtle differences as well like how girls are taught to be ladylike and lovely. We are taught to take care of our man/son/father. Boys on the other hand get an education based on one main principle. "Boys will be boys." Huh? That's some real bullsh*t right there.

But after analyzing it, I realize that those lessons learned as kids create a lot of confusion for us as adults. Those double standards are why those irresponsible boys grow up to be irresponsible men. They are the reason that Steve Harvey is gettin rich telling us how to think like a man but act like a lady. It is why we women buy clothes and food and keep a roof over our heads but go through life without ever really living. Well ladies, to hell with that. This right here is an invitation to life! If you're not afraid, come on in.

Til tomorrow... Peace - two fingers, one love!