The Biggest Loser

The biggest loser is the woman who loses all of the preconceived standards and notions about what makes a great woman and what makes a great mother. She loses all the "shoulds" and "you gotta's" and she breaks the damn rules! Some people are already shaking their heads and squinching up their faces; ready to stop reading. Deuces! Because the truth is undeniable. 

What I know as fact and have seen time and time again is that, as women, we are taught to sacrifice our happiness for virtually everyone else's. We are people pleasers by nature. In fact, one of the greatest injustices of the world is the thought pattern that leads us to believe that loving ourselves is selfish. And it's ingrained so far down in our psyche that we believe anything else is a lie. We die a thousand deaths with the belief that we are the low man on OUR OWN totem pole.  So much so that when I suggest to women that they treat themselves with the same loving attention that they would treat a small child, they look at me like I'm crazy. Very often, they tell me that I'm crazy and ask where are they supposed to find time to do that. They stay mired in debt because retail therapy is the only way they get any satisfying pleasure. Their relationships suffer, their love life suffers, their balance is completely thrown off. 

Let's look at it this way. When you take care of you, you make it possible for you to serve others. Loving who you are, with all your faults is the first step to living a full and fulfilled life. Unfortunately, what we do is we feed ourselves just enough to keep going, saving our energy to fight everyone else's fights, to solve everyone's problems and help build everyone else's dreams. Then we rationalize in our heads how that's the way it's supposed to be because that's the way it's always been. 

Listen, there is no question that for the vast majority of us, our children come first; that's fair and it makes perfect sense. So it stands to reason that we aren't going to do anything to hurt them. Taking care of us will not harm our children. It may require that they spend a extra time with dad, or a sitter or their grandparents. But the fact of the matter is that the best thing we can do for our children is to let them see us being whole and happy adults. That way, when they mimic us, they can copy the habits of a well adjusted adult living a fulfilled and satisfying life. Because seriously, how can you teach your child to be happy, healthy and whole when you're broken, busted and disgusted? Exactly! You can't. 

So don't be afraid to be a loser. As a matter of fact, revel in it. Because by virtue of being the biggest loser, you and your children ultimately become the biggest winners.

Believe That.

Peace.

Two Fingers. One Love.

Inner Peace

In light of Robin Williams' apparent suicide two days ago,  I feel compelled to complete this post that I started quite a while ago.

Often I ask people what is the one thing humans can't live without? To which I get several different answers; air, water, love, food,  Google, etc. For the most part, these are all good answers, but there are people who can attest to how it possible is to live, even if only for a short while, without each of these things.

But in my living and all my studies, there is only one thing I've found that people can't live without for even for a second, and that is HOPE. 

                                           When the world says, "Give up,"

                                      Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

                                                                       ~Author Unknown

Hope is that feeling that if you can stand it a little bit longer, something might happen to ease your pain or fix what's wrong in your world. It's that tiny belief that even as bad as things may be right now, better days are coming. And sadly, when people have no hope, they can't find a reason to keep living. When studying the suicide notes left by the vast majority of people who took their own lives, the resounding theme throughout is the utter hopelessness and despair felt that led them to end their own lives.

Depression is real and it's not discriminating. It's not a funk or a rut. It's like a never - ending, profound sadness. Often it does not have a root, not tied to any specific issue or concern. Being rich and famous does not exclude one from the torment and pain in their minds. Being me did not exclude me; I remember those days well. So I can say what I say from a place of experience and love, having had the fog lift to be able to see clearly. Having hope gives you a fighting chance. And that hope is just like the Bible says about faith, you only need a tiny bit,  the size of a mustard seed. A microscopic feeling that (as my grandmother used to say) it may not be right, but it's all right.

                                       "Hope is the feeling we have that the      

                                        feeling we have is not permanent." 

                                                                  ~Mignon McLaughlin

Hallelujah!!!

That's why it is important to me to inspire and be inspired by others. That's also one of the main reasons that it's essential that we be mindful of how we treat others. It's why I pray and mediate every day and why I promote peace, compassion and self -love. Why the main theme of my practice is to believe in someone until they are ready and able to believe in themselves. Because NOTHING TRUMPS INNER PEACE!  You can have everything, or you can have little, no matter. But if you don't have that contentment in your heart, that belief that no matter how bad it seems right now, a blessing is right around the corner with your name on it, often you don't have the will to keep going. I found my inner peace and I'm never letting go.  I wish the same for you; right now. Today. Blessings.

Until next time.
Peace. Two fingers, one love.

I'm Not Your Superwoman

The idea of the “Superwoman” is one of the few concepts that transcends ALL race, class and economic distinctions. In a survey I conducted with women across the country, the one thing that the vast majority of them had in common no matter where they were born or raised, how much money they had, how old they were, etc. is that they were all expected by their families and by society to “take care of things.” They had all been taught either specifically with words, or through actions or most importantly, by watching the other females in their families, that the woman is the one who holds it all together; who sacrifices herself for the greater good.

The best lesson we can learn from this is that women are made extra strong; able to handle much more than the average person, but... But we still have a responsibility to take care of ourselves and give ourselves permission to live and love our lives. We also have a responsibility to allow others the space to grow without us making all of their decisions, correcting their mistakes and taking the blame for their bad decisions. It is how the world balances itself out and it gives everyone the chance to learn to be accountable.  Superwoman should be a superhero, much like Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman. Girlfriend, take the weight of the world off your shoulders and live your life. It's time.

Super and a woman but not your Superwoman!

Til next time.
Peace.
Two fingers, one love.

How To Change Someone You Love

As soon as I stop LMAO, I’ll tell you that you can’t change someone you love; except for yourself! You are the only person who you have the ability and the right to change. Anyone else that you’d like to change would probably like to change you as well, because if you see something in them you don’t like, it’s probably the same thing they see in you that they would like you to change. And how do you feel about someone wanting to change you?

When we learn to love people in spite of and not because of, we will be well on our way to getting along in the world with people. We love people, but we wish they didn’t this and they weren’t that and they didn’t have these things but they do and they are and they have them. So the heck what? Deal with it OR get the hell out of their lives. We want people to be what we want them to be before we can love them. We pass judgment and offer “advice” about how they can be better, or different, or like us. We have some fricking nerve!! Unless the people you want to change are criminals or a physical danger to themselves or others, let ‘em be, let ‘em be, let ‘em be, let ‘em be.

Until next time. Peace. Two Fingers, One Love!

Technorati Tags: change,others,self-love,self,love,changing others,control,attitude,actions,judgment

Grown Folks Business

“A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.”

                                                                              -Dale Carnegie

This is a life lesson. You can’t change the mind of grown folks. If they’ve decided something is a fact, no amount of your argument will make them see reason. Even if it is something that you know for absolute certain, you cannot change how someone accepts or responds to it. Most often, people do not like the truth. As the character said in “A Few Good Men,” they can’t handle the truth! It usually takes the facts smacking them in the face and even then, some folks will still disagree. Or for many people, it is that they know everything and you don’t know what you’re talking about. Say what you need to say then get the hell out of the way. Don’t go back and forth trying to bring them over to your side. Not only for your sanity, but also so that you’ve done what you should have done to try to help them, to warn them, to educate them. No matter how serious or trivial, you cannot change someone’s mind who’s decided something is true and despite your best efforts, some folks have a need to learn things the hard way. When and if they ever figure out that you really knew what you were talking about, they’ll either acknowledge it or they won’t but it shouldn’t matter to you either way. You simply had a job to do and you did it. Say your piece and pray they get it.

Thank God It’s Friday!

There was a time when I used to wish my life away. Every Monday morning without fail would find me doing my “I can’t wait til Friday” chant. And not that I was excited for Friday to come because I had some great elaborate plans. Just that I wanted to get through the week and get to the weekend. The only problem with that is, there are a lot of days, hours, minutes between Monday morning and Friday at quitting time. That is a lot of time to be miserable, bored, unhappy, unfulfilled, melancholy, (i think you get the picture). It took me quite a bit of time to realize that I was wasting a lot of my life, just wishing it away. And not a good waste like in Otis Redding’s “Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay,” or Brad Paisley’s “Time Well Wasted,” when I’m just enjoying the quiet.

Well now I know better and I thank God for Friday and Monday and Wednesday and Sunday nights, etc. But I do just happen to be excited about this weekend. I have some great planning that I need to do and some writing I want to do and some time with my man planned. I have basketball games with the little kids and church early Sunday morning and some cleaning that I’m going to get done. That’s a lot of stuff that’s going to happen in the next couple of days and I’m sure it will spill over into my week but that’s ok. Cause it is only on Fridays that I get to really say, (deep breath here) THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY (exclamation point!!!) ENJOY!!

Until next time.

Peace. Two Fingers, One Love.

A Different World... Poverty pt. 2

A good friend of mine recently asked a question on his Facebook page. He asked his FB friends what they think it will take to stop the senseless black on black crime in our communities. People had some really good responses for him ranging from more police to better education to more community programs to better parenting to eliminating poverty. For sure, those things really need to happen to fix what's wrong in the "hood." But those things individually won't work and quite possibly all together may not work. Why?

Because there's something that will have to be understood and subsequently addressed by those involved in order for things to change. There is a MENTAL POVERTY that exists in the hood; a ghetto attitude and culture that has to be overcome before any of those other things will make a difference in large numbers. Our families have fallen under the rule of a new master; black media (or more accurately- white media perpetuating black stereotypes.)  It is teaching us how to be black and we are paying rapt attention. We are proud to "be" ghetto. We speak the language they tell us, wear the clothes they tell us, eat the food they tell us- all because they know there is nowhere for us to go by doing those things. It's actually a very successful (albeit detrimental) system.

The 40 year war on drugs is also a major player in the reasons the black community is in such dire straights. Between the users and the sellers, the community is full of junkies, prisoners, ex-prisoners, and gangs which leads to most of the senseless black on black killings. Once we can address these man-made issues, there won't be a need for more police, education will once again become a cornerstone of the black family, the black family will once again become the cornerstone of the black community and young folk will begin to attend the hundreds of community service programs that already exist. The village will FINALLY be in full effect.

Until next time.

Peace. Two fingers; one love.